I Know Dogs
Urination.
“Dogs do it, bees do it, and even educated fleas do it.” When it comes to humans, even sophisticated millionaires do it… but won’t talk about it because it’s not dinner conversation. Even Broadway musical shows do it. Urinetown, did it and amused and generated snickers universally.
When dogs do it, it’s done out in the open for all to see. Some squat, some leg lift, and some try to cover up the spot with a dash of dirt. Humans are different and retreat to a restroom or enclosure and flush as quietly as possible, wash their hands, and come out smiling.
In Embarrass, MN. my hometown, no one is embarrassed. In fact, they take this natural phenomenon with pride and celebrate with a regional competition and recognition. Men are particularly encouraged to participate in the annual peeing contest and the winner gets a $2500.00 gift certificate to the Mall of America in the Twin Cities.
Peabody’s Bar and Grill, just outside of town, sponsors this event with 14 beer companies, 6 coffee companies and a waiting list of 24 soft drink companies. The sponsorship funds are hefty and Peabody is making a fortune.
The contest is to see who can best write their names in the snow, if you know what I mean. Embarrass has snow 5 months of the year so competitors can practice anywhere and everywhere they want, any time they want, along with a high liquid consumption level. The only downside to practicing outside is the temperature…down to 50 below.
Paramedics are on standby should any frostbite occur. Occasionally, too much alcohol will cloud the judgment of a determined competitor and they are forced to withdraw in pain. Another effect of sub zero weather is that often ‘pee sickles’ form and writing is temporarily suspended.
“I Still Write Your Name In The Snow” is the theme song. Bar owners in warmer climates don’t realize how profitable this can be and argue that they have no natural resources to work with. Wrong. With an ice making machine from the bar and restaurant, you could make a fortune.
With the sponsors proceeds, a downtown parade with 3 floats is planned to celebrate the winner along with Miss Embarrass’ Snow Queen and a band from the Fire Brigade. The floats are pulled by a team of sled dogs, any which I could sniff noses with. The Snow Queen is a waitress who is selected by the amount of beer she has served.
Embarrass, MN. used to have ice fishing contests but gave them up when Leroy Peabody came up with the idea, after watching dogs peeing, of writing your name in the snow for prizes. He also sells T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with phrases like, ‘Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow,’ ‘Send A Message In The Snow’, and ‘Man Who Tinkles In The Wind, Tinkles On Himself. ‘
The judges view photos of the statements and pick a winner based on the number of dotted i’s and crossed t’s.
The point here is that dogs were the first to start this profitable trend in Embarrass, Mn, where all the ladies are lovely, all the guys are good looking, and all the dogs above average. With more creative men alike Leroy Peabody, this trend could go worldwide thanks to dogs.
Adopt a dog and be creative.
